Buy, Sell Or Hold: Heston Heads To Heathrow

By on November 20, 2013
John_Mcafee

In our latest analyst note, we look at the news from John McAfee’s weird world, Google’s Schmidt reaches for your economic theories and Heston makes a run for the border.

BUY: Eric Schmidt

Dr Eric Schmidt, one time ruler of the universe, AHEM! chief executive of Google, has decided controlling the world’s internet use is no longer enough. The Googler (he’s still executive chairman) has opted to also take a controlling stake in the world’s erudite economic arguments – by joining the board of The Economist.

The shareholders of The Economist Group voted in favour of having Schmidt on the board for a whopping three years – that’s enough time to convince the world’s avid Economist readers of anything.

Some arguments MT foresees Economist readers supporting doggedly henceforth are:

1.    Silicon Valley is in fact the world’s superpower, not the US and certainly not China.

The SV state is well within its rights to separate from the American mainland, using a series of leafy ship-like crafts to set up its own super-intelligent colony somewhere off the coast of Patagonia (cold enough to cool its data centres you see).

2.    Artificial intelligence will not mean the end of the world Will Smith-style.

Creating artificial intelligence is the best way forward, given how the human brain is shrinking due to over dependence on fast food and reality TV. Having robots cleverer than us will not herald the end of humanity – but help us to live a more convenient existence where Google Bots know what we want before we do. What we all want is a benign version of the Matrix. 

3.    Wearing a computer on your face is a necessity

If humans do not wear computers on their faces they will not know all of the facts, about everything they see, at all times – and that is a huge disaster. Google Glass also makes people 122% more attractive to the opposite sex.

HOLD: Heston Blumenthal

Celebrity chef Heston Blumenthal, best known for cooking oversized/undersized food products and also the UK’s largest consumer of liquid nitrogen, is on the run.

Blumenthal, accustomed to riotous praise for his pudding work with middle-class nosh shop Waitrose, has reportedly tried to flee the country following the lukewarm response to this years’ festive pud.

His Strawberry and Lychee Frozen Christmas Gateau has not gone down well with critics, many of whom are lamenting the absence of his former pud triumphant, the Hidden Orange pudding.

The last we heard of the Fat Duck owner, he was camped out at Heathrow airport. Rumour has it the chef it planning to open a restaurant there, in a last ditch attempt to get some praise.

Should his new venue, reportedly to offer Britain’s favourite meals (good strategy for attracting compliments), not do too well, the chef is in the perfect position to abscond from the country.

The chef is in good company in Heathrow’s Terminal Two however, Christmas ad champion John Lewis will also be setting up a store in Heathrow’s latest revamped terminus. The sentimental retail bumpkins at the John Lewis store will surely take pity on the chef and heap flattery on him – thus saving his career, just look at how they’ve helped Lily Allen.

SELL: John McAfee

If MT sat down and told you the story of John McAfee without you ever having heard of him before – you’d be forgiven for thinking we’d lost our marbles (or adopted a laissez-faire attitude to reality).

McAfee is the man who started out his career trying to save your computers from viruses. His eponymous security company is known the world over. But, having sold his company and moved to Belize, he went a bit bonkers, and went on the run following the (still unsolved) murder of one of his neighbours.

The police have been trying to question him about the 2012 murder of Gregory Faull since this time last year. He has said he had no involvement in the murder and went on the run because he believed the government was setting him up. 

Well, having gone on the run from the Belize authorities, faked his own capture, hidden in the jungle dressed as a drunken German and had a pretend heart attack…

…now safely back in the US, he has said he will testify in court about the murder case.

At the same time, we’ve heard the daughter of the murdered neighbour is suing him. The legal action accuses the security entrepreneur of either murdering Faull or paying someone else to do so.

Speaking to the BBC, McAfee said: ‘I do wish I was smarter socially…I am naïve in some social situations and in Belize I was naïve’ – well, naive is one word for it….

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